Warning: This post is one that may be a little longer than what my normal blog posts are but it is one that I need to share in order to wrap my head and heart around it. It’s incoherent, and may even sound like a rant, but it’s just a way of me putting it out there because staying silent is the worst of both evils.
I don’t always share how much of an empath I am as I did not always know it was even a thing. Once I learned what it meant I still refused to admit that I was one of them. I saw it as a trendy word, kind of a modern form of saying I was super sensitive. Well I sure was in for a big wake up call. Once I put all my ignorance behind myself I realized I was an empath and it was nothing to be ashamed of or brag about either for that matter. It was not a condition, a weakness, or innate defect of any kind, it was part of who I was and I needed to accept it. Everything started making sense, why since I was a kid I could imitate people (I still do to this day, Lol!). Why I felt the pain of others like it was my own. Why I was so connected to animals and I felt their energy in such a close and intimate way. I also learned not too long ago that not knowing boundaries is a common thing for empaths. We tend to carry the weight of the world in our own bodies, and the heaviness and pain at times is unbearable.
There are ways we can learn to still be an empath but we also need to learn to discern between what is our energy and what is not ours. As an empath and on top of that an introvert, there is a LOT of energy I carry at times and the only way to make it through the day in one piece is literally unplugging and disconnecting myself from the world. Fun fact: I had to take the Myer-Briggs Personality test for work once because I was doing too much of: Speaking my mind kind of thing! Turns out I am an INFJ! (Surprise, surprise!!) Before I realized just how deep I was in carrying the heaviness of this energy that wasn’t mine I used to joke and say: I can’t do people! That was the only way I could put into words what I was feeling. I used to think I was anti-social, but it turned out I was just struggling with the gift of being an empath/introvert. It’s a gift because I can feel and sense so much of the unspoken world around me, but at times this gift is my worst enemy when I don’t know how to protect my energy or when I don’t have boundaries in place.
"Everything I experience hits me deep, raw, and intense. As an empath I feel the energy of myself and others. As I age, this energy only grows deeper and stranger." – Sylvester McNutt III
The thing is that as an endless learner and researcher, I am one of those that has to know the “WHY’S” of things that boggles my mind. I’m obsessed with diving deep into trying to understand the soul and the reason why we incarnate. This is what has led me into the world of astrology, hypnosis, and the all mystic knowledge that exists and we barely touch the surface of. One of the biggest discoveries (that makes 100% sense to me), is that we choose the lessons as souls that we want to experience in this human lifetime. In choosing the lessons, our souls choose the people in our lives that will best help us evolve, and this starts with choosing our parents to incarnate into this world. Definitely not the topic for my blog post today, but I know many like me that are saying: What in the world was I thinking when I chose! Then after a moment of immature human humor, I take a deep breath and I dissect the lessons that I have learned by embracing the choices my soul made in choosing the parents and family I was born into. Maybe one day I will share a little more of my beautiful life, it’s been quite the ride but I know as humans we all have quite the stories that mold us into who we are.
Without going into more about my life prior to today, the word “toxic” for me meant something you inhaled or a word written on a bug or cleaning spray can of some kind. It just wasn’t something I felt applied to my life so directly that I felt it needed its own chapter in my book of life. What a wakeup call when I realized the insane amount of toxic BS I have been surrounded by since a very young age. Once you realize what toxic behaviors are, emotional abuse, narcissist personalities, low self-esteem, lack of boundaries, and straight up fucked up shit, you fall flat on your ass and say: HOLY CRAP!!! (Sorry if this last sentence was offensive, but this post is not about making it sound pretty or ethically correct for anyone reading it), this post is about me expressing what I feel because the poison around me is too much for me to keep holding it inside.
I have been the black sheep in my family because I decided long time ago that I did not want any part of being diplomatic when something was not sitting well. I refused to conform to societies guidelines of what “families” are supposed to be or look like. Some families are overrated (there I said it!). The lessons learned are priceless and I will forever accept that I chose them to learn, to grow, to evolve spiritually, but I did not sign up to make a lifetime commitment to the BS or the toxic, passive-aggressive, and hypocrite behaviors. Pretending that everything is fine by ignoring all the wrong doing that was done, or is still being done, in my damn book is not O.K. I don’t pretend to have all my ducks in a row (I think I actually lost all my ducks long time ago), but I know what I see, feel, and sense when surrounded by toxic behaviors.
My biggest disappointment in life has been having expectations for others and even of myself. Things just don’t work the way we want them to. People can’t act the way we want them to. I need to tattoo that into my thick skull. As a recovering control freak, I am trying my damn best to grasp that concept. So here I am decades into researching, learning, and working with the mystic and cosmic energy knowledge available to me, and when I think nothing can stir me up, the Universe nudges me (more like rocks the crap out of me), and I am presented with situations that remind me of just how vulnerable I am. How much of what I think I know, I don’t know. How much of what I profess and teach others, I still need to learn myself. These soul growing pains are REAL!!
Before I had my three musketeers, I was an aunt, I became one at a very young age (15 to be exact)! Being the true Cancer Sun & Cancer Ascendant that I am, I became an Auntie-Momma at that age. My oldest nephew became my kid and I love him like a mad woman. I don’t know why the world orbits around the Sun, or the Moon around planet Earth, or why souls choose so many hard lessons in one lifetime, but I hope to one day learn to accept that no matter how much it hurts and pains me to see toxic behaviors close to me; behaviors that feel gut wrenching and make me lose sleep for days when I see them, I need to learn to accept that everything happens according to divine plan. That as humans we have free will, and what we fuck up in this lifetime we will have to repeat in another until we get it right.
This post is dedicated to those like me that suffer in silence, whose voices have been ignored since early childhood years. This post is for those souls that chose parents that lack animal instincts to protect and love their children. This post is for children who grew up in houses (not homes), that were full of toxic behaviors and grew up thinking it was the norm. This post is for my loved ones who endured physical, and emotional abuse and I could not do anything to rescue them because I myself was living in survival mode trying to make it out in one piece.
This post of for a little soul I never met who came into this life for a very short time. The little soul named after me who even though I never met I know was meant to stir in me emotions that needed to be expressed. Rest in Light Little Angel, and may we meet one day in another lifetime.